Have you ever wondered why the approval of others feels so powerful? Whether it’s the validation of a colleague, the recognition of a mentor, or the acceptance of a loved one, the need for approval can quietly shape the course of our lives.
For many, this desire for validation isn’t just a preference—it’s a survival strategy deeply rooted in past experiences, including trauma. Traumatic events, whether from childhood, relationships, or other significant moments, can create wounds that make us question our worth. These experiences often leave us seeking external validation to fill the voids created by rejection, criticism, or neglect.
I’ve lived this dynamic. In my own journey, the need for approval led me down paths that felt safe in the moment but ultimately disconnected me from my intuition and my true self. It wasn’t until I began reflecting on the role of trauma in shaping this need that I found the courage to step off the approval-seeking treadmill and reclaim my inner voice.
In this article, I’ll share my story and invite you to reflect on your own experiences. We’ll explore the psychological and biological roots of the need for approval, the influence of authority figures and societal norms, and how traumatic experiences amplify this dynamic.
Whether you’ve already begun to trust yourself or are just starting to untangle the threads of your past, this journey offers practical tools, therapeutic insights, and the encouragement to move forward—toward authenticity, healing, and self-empowerment.
The Origins of the Need for Approval: Innate or Constructed?
The need for approval has its roots in our biology and social structures. As social beings, humans are wired for connection. In the earliest stages of life, the approval of caregivers ensures survival—smiles and affirmations signal safety, belonging, and care. This makes approval-seeking, at least in childhood, a natural and adaptive behavior.
However, societal and cultural influences often distort this need, shifting approval from a means of survival to a determinant of identity and self-worth. Messages from family, peers, educational institutions, and media reinforce that approval equals value. Over time, the innate need for connection can evolve into an over-reliance on external validation, causing us to disconnect from our own intuition and sense of self.
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The Biology of Approval: What Happens in the Mind and Body?
The experience of receiving approval triggers significant physical, mental, and biochemical responses. These reactions are part of what makes approval so compelling and, at times, addictive:
The Reward Pathway: Approval activates the brain’s reward system, particularly the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation. When someone validates us, we experience a “feel-good” sensation that reinforces our behavior.
Stress Reduction: Approval can lower cortisol levels, the hormone associated with stress. When we feel accepted or praised, our bodies move into a state of relaxation, signaling safety and reducing the physical symptoms of stress, such as increased heart rate or tension.
The Social Connection Hormone: Approval often stimulates the release of oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone.” Oxytocin strengthens feelings of connection, trust, and belonging, which is why approval feels so deeply satisfying in social contexts.
Cognitive Impact: On a mental level, approval enhances confidence and temporarily reduces self-doubt. The validation we receive can quiet the inner critic, offering a short-term sense of worthiness and achievement.
While these responses are natural and even beneficial in moderation, over-reliance on external approval can lead to dependency. The brain becomes accustomed to the dopamine hits, creating a cycle where self-worth becomes increasingly tied to external validation rather than internal alignment.
The Role of Authority Figures in Shaping the Need for Approval
Authority figures—parents, teachers, mentors, and cultural norms—are pivotal in shaping how we understand approval. In childhood, parental reactions to our behavior often lay the groundwork for this dynamic. Conditional love, harsh criticism, or inconsistent approval can instill a belief that we must “earn” love and acceptance.
As we grow, this pattern is reinforced by teachers who reward performance or obedience, and later by workplace leaders whose opinions can feel like the gateway to success. Even societal norms and media messaging act as invisible authority figures, defining what is deemed acceptable, successful, or worthy.
In my own life, authority figures deeply influenced my decision-making, particularly during my Ph.D. journey. When I received an email from a respected professor expressing disappointment that I hadn’t applied to the program, I felt compelled to act. “Someone approves of me,” I thought. “They see my potential.”
However, the truth was more complex. My intuition had signaled that this wasn’t the right time or place, but the need for approval overrode my inner voice. The decision to join the program ultimately led to misalignment and a lingering sense of disconnection from my authentic self.
Also Read: Morning Pages & The Healing Code: Using Truth to Overcome Negative Thinking
When the Need for Approval Becomes a Trap
While the need for approval can foster healthy relationships and collaboration, it becomes problematic when it overrides our inner guidance and authentic desires. For many, this dynamic is not just a personality quirk but a coping mechanism shaped by early trauma and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).
Children exposed to trauma—such as neglect, emotional or physical abuse, or inconsistent caregiving—often develop a heightened sensitivity to approval. In these formative years, approval can feel like a lifeline, a way to ensure safety, connection, and care in environments where these were uncertain or withheld. This survival strategy may serve its purpose in childhood but can evolve into a pattern of external validation-seeking in adulthood, where approval becomes synonymous with worthiness.
In my own life, the trap of approval-seeking became painfully clear during my Ph.D. journey. I entered the program with a vision—to develop an intervention that could permanently end traumatic responses. Yet, I found myself suppressing my ideas and mirroring my supervisor’s agenda to gain approval. My desire to be validated by an authority figure overrode my intuition and my creative aspirations.
For five years, I lived in a state of internal conflict, striving to meet expectations that were not aligned with my goals. The stress of trying to gain approval in a mismatched environment took a toll on my emotional and mental well-being. I felt the weight of disconnection—not just from others, but from myself. Even after completing the program, I chose not to attend my graduation, as the work I had produced felt inauthentic and unworthy of celebration.
For those with a history of trauma, this cycle of seeking external validation can feel deeply ingrained. Approval may momentarily soothe the wounds of rejection or abandonment, but it often leads to unfulfilling choices and further disconnection from our true selves. Breaking free from this trap requires courage, reflection, and often, the support of a skilled therapist to address the underlying wounds that keep us seeking approval at any cost.
Reclaiming Trust and Authenticity
Reflecting on this experience has been a catalyst for change. I began working on developing trust—trust in others, trust in my intuition, and trust in the universal principles that guide us. Learning to let go of approval-seeking and lean into trust has been transformative.
A Therapeutic Approach to Breaking Free
To break free from the cycle of approval-seeking, it’s essential to address both the underlying patterns and the practical behaviors that sustain it.
Acknowledge and Reflect: Begin by acknowledging the moments when approval-seeking has guided your decisions. What were you truly seeking in those moments—connection, recognition, or self-worth?
Heal the Wounds: Explore the origins of your need for approval through therapy, journaling, or mindfulness. What early experiences shaped your beliefs about approval and worthiness?
Reclaim Your Inner Authority: Shift the focus from pleasing external authorities to aligning with your own values and goals. Ask yourself, “What feels true for me?”
Redefine Self-Worth: Celebrate your intrinsic value with affirmations like “I am enough as I am.”
Cultivate Self-Trust: Strengthen your intuition by practicing small acts of trust in yourself. Listen to your inner voice and honor it, even if it challenges others’ expectations.
Do You Need the Help of a Trained Therapist?
While some individuals may find reflection and self-guided practices effective in breaking free from the need for approval, others may benefit from the support of a trained therapist. Recognizing whether you need additional help is a crucial step in your healing journey.
Signs You May Benefit from Therapy
- You feel stuck in approval-seeking behaviors despite trying to change.
- You have difficulty identifying the origins of your need for approval.
- The quest for approval is affecting your relationships, career, or mental health.
- You experience persistent feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, or unworthiness.
- Reflecting on the past brings up overwhelming emotions you’re unsure how to process.
How a Therapist Can Help
A skilled therapist provides a safe, nonjudgmental space for you to explore the deeper layers of your need for approval. They can:
Facilitate Insight: Through guided conversations and techniques, a therapist can help you uncover the origins of your approval-seeking tendencies, whether rooted in childhood, authority figures, or societal influences.
Support Emotional Processing: Therapists are trained to help you navigate and process difficult emotions, such as shame, guilt, or resentment, that may arise during self-reflection.
Develop Personalized Strategies: A therapist can tailor tools and strategies to your unique experiences, helping you replace approval-seeking behaviors with self-trust and self-empowerment.
- Provide Accountability: Consistent therapy sessions create accountability for your progress, ensuring you remain focused on your goals and receive support when challenges arise.
Finding the Right Therapist
Look for a therapist who specializes in areas such as self-worth, relationships, or trauma. Ideally, they should use approaches that resonate with your needs, such as:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for identifying and reshaping negative thought patterns.
Trauma-Informed Care for addressing past experiences that fuel approval-seeking.
Holistic or Integrative Approaches that align with your personal values and spiritual beliefs.
Break Free from The Cycle
The need for approval is a deeply human experience, rooted in our biology and shaped by authority figures, societal norms, and cultural expectations. While it begins as a natural drive, it can grow into a powerful influence that leads us away from our true selves.
By reflecting on its origins and learning to trust our inner guidance, we can break free from the cycle of approval-seeking and step into a life of authenticity and fulfillment. If self-reflection feels overwhelming or unproductive, know that seeking help from a skilled therapist is a courageous step toward healing. Whether you choose self-reflection, therapy, or a combination of both, the journey to self-trust and authenticity is one worth taking.
Also Read: Why Can’t I Trust People
